Costco stores in Auburn, NSW, and Canberra, had completely sold out of toilet paper as its customers leave its shelves empty. The picture of shoppers stocking on toilet paper was taken in Costco Casula.
Costco stores in Auburn, NSW, and Canberra, had completely sold out of toilet paper as its customers leave its shelves empty. The picture of shoppers stocking on toilet paper was taken in Costco Casula.

You’re shi****g me, a toilet paper panic now?

OPINION

YOU'VE got to be shi****g me.

I've seen some stupid buyer behaviour in times of crisis before, particularly the mad rush for bread and milk during natural disasters, but this coronavirus-driven toilet paper frenzy might just be number one on the list.

If not, it's a very close number two.

I'll put a disclaimer out, and this will probably come as a shock, but I'm not a qualified medical doctor.

I have zero experience in the field of medicine.

But a quick Google of coronavirus symptoms, from the Federal Government's health website, offered up the following by way of symptoms.

Symptoms can range from mild illness to pneumonia.

Some people will recover easily, and others may get very sick very quickly.

People with coronavirus may experience: fever, flu-like symptoms such as coughing, sore throat and fatigue, shortness of breath.

Now forgive me if I've missed something here, but I don't see violent diarrhoea anywhere in those symptoms.

Don't worry about stocking up on throat lozenges, lemon drinks, decongestants and headache tablets, you're all good, you've not got enough dunny paper to crap on into 2030 without having to pause for thought.

Some might say these people have their priorities all arse-about.

Now I'm a three-ply Cottonelle guy myself.

Toilet paper shelves sit empty in Woolworths Runaway Bay on the Gold Coast. Picture: Lea Emery.
Toilet paper shelves sit empty in Woolworths Runaway Bay on the Gold Coast. Picture: Lea Emery.

And don't get me wrong, when I'm navigating the aisles and I spot a big old 24-pack on sale, I'm more often than not going to throw one in the trolley, regardless of what global pandemic is afoot, but I just don't see the need to stock enough to be able to TP Parliament House and still have two tonnes left over to deal with the aftermath of a spicy curry.

The scenes in supermarkets around the country were like a weird, lactose-intolerant version of Doomsday Preppers.

If the sprinting from aisle to checkout was any indication, this is a severe case of the runs.

Surely you'd be stocking up on latex gloves and enough cling wrap to cover your entire body, to ensure no contact with the outside world until the virus was eradicated, or the world simply ended, if you're willing to go to these measures, instead of dunny paper?

Maybe some long-life milk, canned food, dry biscuits even?

Have you panic-bought toilet paper this week?

This poll ended on 05 April 2020.

Current Results

Yes

2%

No

95%

I'm not telling ...

2%

This is not a scientific poll. The results reflect only the opinions of those who chose to participate.

I'm worried for the households who've had to go into toilet paper hoard mode, but were unable to get their hands on now-lucrative face masks.

If the quantity of toilet tickets you've grabbed is any indication, it would seem things aren't real pretty on the potty, and perhaps a large stockpile of Glen 20 and some gas masks would've also been necessary.

Given face masks are now in rarer supply than a working phone box, I'd suggest matches or some pegs for the nose.

Perhaps, as society descends into fully-fledged anarchism, we'll revert to a bartering system, where six rolls of now diamond-valued toilet paper could secure a face mask for the family.

It's the new economy.

Seriously, this is on par with grabbing bread and milk in a cyclone, absolutely mindless.



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