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Strange Politics: Your 2016 election day survival guide

THE campaign was about as pleasant as eight weeks with an ear full of mosquitoes, but sadly all good things must come to an end.

D-Day is upon us, and we must endure just one final task before getting back to watching run-of-the-mill insurance ads devoid of Bill and Malcolm's campaign-weathered mugs.

Surviving election day unscathed can be tough work, but there are a few tips that should keep psychological injuries to a minimum. Packing a fly swatter, air horn or menacing looking hatchet might seem like overkill, but be prepared for polling booth volunteers to swarm you no matter where you vote today.

The safer bet is to don dark sunglasses, preferably the kind with tinted side windows to eliminate peripheral eye contact.

Assume a deadpan expression that silently screams "Nah, mate" and possibly some Walking Dead-style make-up that makes you look like you have a contagious flesh-eating disease. Even going without a shower this morning could help.

Having skipped breakfast and arrived at the polling booth, walk briskly into line with some Swedish death metal blaring obnoxiously through your headphones so only the most maniacal placard waver would approach.

Better yet, pump up Warwick Capper's 1985 opus I Only Take What's Mine and get your first real experience as a social leper.

Bypass the sausage sizzle on the way in - succumbing to hunger before voting is a chump's move and sure to land you with some unsolicited advice. Your best bet is to load up on saucy breaded snags on the way back to your car.

Of course, before all of this you have to make certain you are not turning up to some lame duck polling booth without a sausage sizzle. Be sure to visit ElectionSausageSizzle.com.au, type in your electorate and see what is on offer. My closest booth has bacon and egg rolls, sausages, haloumi rolls, a cake booth and a jumping castle, which honestly feels like overkill.

Whichever way it goes, the real winners are everyday Australians who have endured the longest Federal Election campaign in history.

We have sat through Peter Dutton's talk of illiterate and innumerate refugees stealing jobs; Labor's David Feeney "forgetting" to declare a $2.3 million negatively geared house; and being told, ad nauseam, "there's never been any time more exciting to be an Australian".

There have been Federal Police raids on electorate offices over alleged NBN leaks, Barnaby Joyce's talk of live export bans fuelling the refugee crisis and that whole #FakeTradie debacle.

We even watched an advertisement featuring Bob Katter gunning down Labor and Liberal supporters, just days after the Orlando shooting.

Politicians speaking from both sides of their mouths on marriage equality, "budget black hole" figures pulled from thin air - we have witnessed it all. So congratulations to us.

Maybe you should disregard everything I just said and actually say "G'day" to some of those volunteers staffing the booths today. They will probably be as happy to see the end of this election as the rest of us.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Should you still wish to download some entry-level Swedish death metal this morning, give 2005 album Catch 33 by Meshuggah a try. And stay well away from impressionable young children.



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