Evil genius Ange-a-licious hard at work.
Evil genius Ange-a-licious hard at work.

Secret trick corrupts votes in ‘disaster’ exit

Big Brother throws the rule book out the window on Sunday night, letting soon-to-be-crowned Australian Of The Year Ange-a-licious call the shots and manipulate the housemates with a trick that changes the outcome of the elimination votes and ends in an eviction that blindsides the cool kids of the house.

Ange-a-licious executes the masterplan from her secret lair while sipping tea and applying her Revlon lip gloss between spurts of maniacal laughter. Honestly, where has Ange-a-licious been all our lives?

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Last time we saw Angela, she was yelling at the other housemates about Centrelink before they promptly evicted her. But she was secretly saved by Big Brother and reinstated as his 2IC in a bunker.

Angela entered the house to be queen, but she was too good for that role. She is now god. And her heaven comes with a bottomless tea pot of English breakfast and a wall of TV screens so she can monitor what the peasants are doing inside her former kingdom.

"I look forward to working with you," she beams to Big Brother as she takes a seat in her new office.

We love this for her.
We love this for her.

Ange-a-licious is the only reason we're watching this show. We raise our Revlon lip gloss wands in appreciation of the Seven Network keeping someone of Ange's calibre on the show. But it might not be for long. Unfortunately, Big Brother welcomes Ange to the bunker and informs her it will be her home for the next "few days". Few days? FEW DAYS? Producers better figure out another twist to keep Ange-a-licious on the show otherwise we're going to drive past Seven HQ and pelt it with used tea bags.

Seconds later, Big Brother senses our unrest and invents another twist.

"When the time is right, Big Brother will allow you to return to the game," he says. "This will give you a second chance to take down your fellow housemates."

She nods in agreement.

"Yes, one by one by one by one," she points at the faces on the TV monitors in front of her.

Big Brother is just breaking rules and making up new ones as he goes along now. And as long as these new rules keep benefiting Angela, we have absolutely no issue with it.

All the housemates start talking about how they're glad they booted Ange out. If only they knew she could hear them.

"Ding dong the witch is dead," Garth snips. "I didn't really like her."

Angela takes a sip from her tea cup.

"Karma is a bitch," she laughs while plotting revenge.

"I finally feel like I've got some skin back in the game," Garth sighs.

Garth, the only thing you have in this game is a suitcase full of old lady shirts from Millers.

Exhibit A.
Exhibit A.

Angela toggles with the dials that control the cameras inside the house. Methodically, she browses over footage of each and every housemate.

"These little dumdums - I can see through their minds," she mutters to herself before settling on a wide shot of the cool kids sun baking in the yard.

"This alliance - Casey, Mat, Ian, Xavier and Dan. They gotta go. I'm coming for you. I cannot wait to take my revenge and take them down one by one. It's just chopping them like onions now."

The mere thought of destroying the dumdums provokes Ange to let out an evil cackle, and I kinda wish it was my ringtone.

Her first task as 2IC is to help torture the housemates, who are made play a game where they have to say "yes" to whatever Big Brother asks. Big Brother himself isn't wicked enough to really execute a game like this. The best he can do is make Kieran eat a bowl of broccoli. Yawn.

Angela, on the other hand, was born for this. She chooses Mat - some pale straight guy from Broken Hill - and makes him get three applications of dark tint spray tan. Genius.

"Tell him to spread his butt cheeks. GET IN THAT BUM," she shouts into the microphone from her lair.

"This is so mean and I love it."

Right at home.
Right at home.

Ahead of the elimination challenge, the cool kids get together and plan their next "strategy". It's the same as before: Kick out the nerds so it's just the cool kids left. They want to boot out Kieran and Marissa - that random grandma who used to teach aerobics in the '80s.

"Whyyyyyy!" Angela yells at the TV monitors. Her scheme to destroy the cool kids isn't going to plan. She's frustrated the little dumdums are too concerned with being cool and not playing the game properly.

Even evil genii get frustrated.
Even evil genii get frustrated.

When Zoe and Sarah win the elimination challenge, they skip to the diary room and make good on the cool kid strategy. Kieran and Marissa are up for elimination. And they choose Ian as the third - just because no one will vote him out.

Angela's worst nightmare is coming true and she slams down her teapot in frustration.

"I wish I could share a little bit of my brain - just a little bit of a cell - to each and every one of these idiots here," she sighs.

Honestly, these dumdums have nothing on Ange-a-licious.
Honestly, these dumdums have nothing on Ange-a-licious.

Big Brother hears her loud and clear. He tells her she can invite one housemate into her bunker for 10 minutes and gift them half of one of her many brain cells.

Angela is a mastermind. She assesses the cards that have been dealt and decides she needs to ensure Ian gets voted out over the nerds. Out of the three names up for elimination, he's the threat. And with him gone, the cool kids get weaker.

She instructs Big Brother to fetch Garth and bring him to the lair.

"He'll think I'm working with him but uh-uh. Honey, I want you gone," she eye-rolls.

"Garth is a big mouth. And he knows how to manipulate."

Like the fabulous two-faced dame she is, she summons Garth and makes him feel special while she feeds him lollies and plants the seed to evict Ian.

"We need to assassinate these people out," she tells him.

An evil genius at work.
An evil genius at work.

Garth feels incredibly special and he executes the plan like the big mouth Angela knows he is.

The votes come in. Marissa gets one. Kieran gets four. And Ian cops seven.

Angela's masterplan works. She smiles as she watches the cool kids crying on the TV monitors.

"What a disaster," Zoe sobs.

"I was blindsided. Everyone told me I was safe," Ian stutters, wiping away tears.

Angela swings her feet up on her desk, jigs the tea bag in her cup and lets out one final cackle.

Take that, little dumdums.

Twitter, Facebook, Instagram: @hellojamesweir

She deserves it after all that hard work.
She deserves it after all that hard work.

 

Originally published as Secret trick corrupts votes in 'disaster' exit



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