Nasty dis: Liar mocks unexpected victim
A nasty and embarrassing dis is hurled behind the back of an innocent bystander on The Bachelor, with the show's "compulsive liar" mocking the unexpected victim before her own downfall is kicked into full swing.
The mansion is going into meltdown. Tension is boiling over and everyone has started dobbing on each other. Partly because they're terrible people. But also because they're just very passionate onions. That will be explained soon, but it still won't make sense.
Tonight's episode opens and Kristen, the white chick who studied abroad in China for six months and now won't shut up about it, is standing on a pier while informing us she scored a date with Matt. We never see the date officially offered on a date card handwritten by Osher - as per standard Bachelor protocol - so we can only conclude she secured this date through coercion.
She insists on speaking Mandarin the whole time and, while Matt tries to find a translator, we cut back to the mansion where all the girls are talking about whether Kristen is compatible.
"Um … She's … a good person?" Abbie stumbles. Everyone knows this is the worst thing you can say about someone.
But then she takes it further. Away from the girls, she pulls us into a room to laugh about Kristen. What comes next is just mean and embarrassing and condescending and more offensive than calling someone a dog cantaloupe.
"Kristen is not a very sexual (person) …" she cruelly mocks. "I'm not worried at all."
"Biǎo zi!" we scream at her in defence of Kristen. That means "bitch!" in Mandarin.
Anyway, Abbie is wrong and has no idea what she's talking about. Kristen is a sexual being and her date with Matt is just too hot to handle, thankyouverymuch.
What? You mean a guy has never smeared brown matter on your face during a first date? Geez, frigid.
After many showers, Matt surprises the girls with his best friend Kate, who is tasked with conducting individual interrogations. He then surprises everyone with their best friends from the outside world. The only important takeaway comes from Sogand's friend Max, who schools us in the complex and emotional world of vegetable psychology.
"Sogand is like an onion - she's very passionate," he nods.
Um … that's … OK. Sure. Passionate onion.
But putting aside the complicated emotions of vegetables, we decide to check in on Kate while she interrogates Cassandra.
We like Cassandra, but she clearly does not want to win this messy game of love.
"My jewellery business is my baby and I want to expand outside of Adelaide to like, Melbourne or Los Angeles and I guess have a baby before 42," she rattles off, not realising she just instantly got a line ruled through her name. Have fun gluing diamantes on headbands in your LA sharehouse, Cassandra.
While it wasn't the correct answer, we do respect her for being honest. She could've lied and said she'd be perfectly happy throwing in her business and taking up a permanent part-time position selling charm bracelets at Pandora in order to be Matt's wife. But she was true to herself and exhibited all the qualities of a passionate onion.
Abbie on the other hand is prepared to lie through her veneers and, in her interrogation, it is revealed she displays the qualities of a treacherous gherkin. She's a complicated lady who will do and say whatever it takes to different people in order to get ahead. But Abbie isn't as slick as she thinks and she ends up tripping over all the lies she has told.
At one point she drops the ball and tells Kate she's totally not keen on marriage.
"Honestly, marriage isn't essential to me … I'm open to getting married but I'm not dying to get married and, with kids, it's the same thing," she says while skolling her cider.
But then she forgets that lie and contradicts it with another.
"In an ideal world I would be married with kids in five years. Absolutely. Without a doubt," she nods.
Kate can't believe she's even become associated with this show and requests to leave immediately.
Sogand takes it upon herself to inform Kate that Abbie is a big ol' lying fake but Kate's way ahead of her.
"I won't be surprised if Abbie's just a complete fake," she whispers to us before presenting her findings to Matt.
"It's a bit of a bombshell to be honest," he gasps, dropping his head in his hands. I mean, it's not really a bombshell as we have known for, like, a week. But still, Matt's very innocent and hasn't experienced the things all of us have with these shows.
"There's some serious yellow flags," he stresses. We laugh and tell him he means "red flags" and then ask if he's even really a scientist before skipping off back to the mansion to get ready for the cocktail party.
Things are weird. Helena's complaining that Matt has been ignoring her since their date last week, but then Matt walks into the party, drags her into the garden and they make out in a bush.
Like, they really go at it - to the point where Matt actually develops a mouth rash.
The war between Sogand and Abbie continues to rage and, with nothing better to do, Rachael jumps in to give us her hot take.
"I hate Sogand, she's disgusting," she mumbles through inflated lips.
"I'm not a fan of Abbie, but I need a bit of drama in my life," she continues, before telling Abbie that Sogand dobbed her into Matt's best friend.
Abbie's furious and this means war. She declares everyone's trying to sabotage her because she's a threat and I have been known to accuse colleagues of exactly the same thing.
"She seriously needs to f*cking grow up, seriously, she's 30," Rachael glubbers.
Abbie marches right up to Sogand. "Can I have a chat?" she asks, which is the passive aggressive way of saying "I'm about to rip your face off".
"Can you clarify what you said to Kate, because I was under the impression we clarified everything and I just want to clarify, for purposes of clarity," she tells Sogand.
They start yelling and producers have to subtitle everything to ensure nothing goes unclarified.
It all ends when Sogand says something I've also been known to yell at my boss and to that one weird waitress at my local coffee shop.
"Just so you know, everyone talks about you behind your back," she spits.
It's mean. But there's really no arguing with it. And Sogand reckons she has effectively co-ordinated Abbie's downfall.
"I'm so happy. There's no doubt Abbie is leaving tonight, finally," she purrs.
But that's not how this game works, Sogand. We enjoyed the trouble you caused very much, so we'll keep Abigail in the mansion for another week just to see if you'll cut her ponytail off while she sleeps.
Instead, we send Cassandra home. She didn't find love. Not everyone does - on this show or in life. Maybe she'll finally experience the success she dreams of when she relocates her jewellery stall to LA to sell friendship bracelets at a Santa Monica craft market.