‘I want to hook up with guys and girls’
THIS episode we join our ragtag group of razzed-up singles the morning after the previous night's rose ceremony, which saw contestants Brett and Davey sent packing.
Their ranks are not diminishing, though - three new Bach rejects will enter the resort in this episode alone.
A date card is delivered for Keira - who immediately picks Michael to join her, despite earlier insisting she could never date someone with teeth as distractingly luminescent as his.
Tara had given Michael her rose at last night's ceremony, so has to suffer the indignity of the others asking if she's OK as he leaves the resort with Keira.
"I'm fine. I haven't even kissed him. I'm fine! It doesn't bother me. I don't even care," she insists, a little too forcefully.
She may not have much to worry about - speaking to camera, Michael says he's excited to "head into my first single date with Tara. Wait - Keira."
Keira and Michael's date involves horseback riding along the beach, wearing interesting helmets:
Once they dismount for a secluded picnic, Michael's full of sweet nothings to whisper to Keira … about Tara. "She's absolutely stunning. She's beautiful. She's one of the girls I really hoped was going to be in here," he tells Keira.
Back at the resort, Florence is pissed at Jake who, having received her rose last night, has totally ignored her today. "Yesterday he was following me around like a puppy dog … today he doesn't feel the urge anymore."
As she continues whining about this boring heterosexual problem, our favourite sassy bartender Wise remains tantalisingly in frame - let the man speak!
Florence moans that she's praying for some "hot dude" who will "walk through that door, sweep me off my feet and then everything will be all right." #feminism.
Well, until he comes along, Jarrod's here.
"You're going to see a whole new Jarrod … I've grown some stubble," he says of the incredible reinvention he's undergone since Sophie's season of The Bachelorette.
Jarrod's arrival at the resort is met with widespread incredulous laughter, which is a bit of a hit to the ego any way you look at it.
Jarrod's arrived complete with a date card he can give to someone once he's gotten to know his fellow contestants a little better - and Florence has a warning for whoever he picks: "Run for cover. As soon as he goes on a date with you he will glue himself to your body and he will NEVER. LET. GO."
They weren't even in the same season as each other, his reputation truly precedes him.
Not too long after Jarrod, another newbie struts into the resort: It's Ali, from the debut Tim Robards season of The Bachelor.
"You might remember me as the 'Stage Five Clinger', as you all called me," she tells Australia, speaking like a woman who's clearly had five years to stew about that particular nickname.
Speaking of clingers - it's love at first sight for Jarrod.
"Ali has just walked in, and that's all we're really focusing on right now. Just, Ali. God's gift. Wow," he gushes.
Jake also takes a shine to Ali - which pisses off Florence no end. "Of course Jake finds her stunning; she looks like Malibu Barbie. Her face doesn't really move."
Bloody hell Flo, that's really uncalled fo-
OK, never mind.
Another woman is waiting on the outskirts of the resort: It's Megan Marx, from Richie's season of The Bachelor. Megan's most recent relationship was rather famously with Tiffany, a fellow contestant she was competing against during her season.
Megan's come to Bachelor in Paradise open to finding love with either a man or a woman.
"There's definitely the potential to hook up with guys and girls in paradise. I don't know if any of the girls are going to swing my way, but we'll see what happens," she teases.
"You have so many options!" marvels a wide-eyed Osher Gunsberg, apparently having just discovered today that bisexuals exist.
Obviously the show's producers have seen the stunt potential in Megan's sexuality, because Osher tells her that she won't be entering the resort with a date card like most of those who've gone before her.
Instead, Megan will sit at a table and read genderless personality descriptions of her fellow contestants, decide whose personality sounds the most appealing, and that person will be summoned for a date.
Basically, there's a 50% chance Megan will have to endure a date with a disinterested heterosexual woman wondering why she's being set up with someone of the same sex. What a weird and potentially humiliating exercise to foist upon the show's sole openly queer contestant!
Perusing the menu, Megan immediately discounts one anonymous person who lists "motivation" as a key personality trait.
"Mmm. I don't like people that are too motivated." OK, we like Megan.
In the end, she unknowingly picks the caddish Jake. She's thrilled when he arrives - it emerges that Megan is yet another female contestant he's been wooing on the outside, calling and texting regularly.
The pair have dinner, and Jake walks Megan back to the resort - leaning in for a pash before they have to face the rest of the group.
With Michael and Keira off on a date, their respective Bach "partners", Tara and Sam, team up to jokingly commiserate about being ditched.
Commiseration soon turns to celebration, as the pair realise they actually have a lot of fun together. By the time Michael's returned from the date after sunset, once again pledging his devotion to Tara, she'd clearly rather spend time with Sam. And even after Michael brought back his hat as a special souvenir for her.
Tara even drapes her arm around new pal Sam as they stand at the bar - an act of comfortable intimacy that makes Michael so insecure, he immediately dives in and puts his arm around Tara. It is excruciating to watch:
Tara and Sam walk off into the evening, leaving Michael heartbroken.
"Tonight, I came back to this different woman," he pouts melodramatically.
Having also returned from the date, Keira is overjoyed to see that Jarrod's one of the new resort arrivals - turns out they've previously slid into each other's Instagram DMs (by God, can Bach outcasts only crack onto each other? Or is "rampant thirstiness" just the main casting criteria for this show?).
They're clearly excited to get to know each other in person - but their conversation is brief. Jarrod confesses in a to-camera interview that he's nervous to linger too long with Keira, given he was speaking to Ali earlier.
"I think they call it a love triangle? I'm in one," he sighs.
Only in Jarrod's world does "briefly speaking to two women within the space of 24 hours" qualify as a love triangle.
Next time: Megan enters the resort to a frosty reaction - from Florence at least, who "thought she was a lesbian." And Jarrod chooses Ali for his first date - leaving Keira devastated.
Bachelor In Paradise continues 7:30pm Tuesday on Ten.