MAFS DINNER FROM HELL: ‘You are a cocky little pr*ck’
MARRIED At First Sight has reached its ugly, sweaty and boozed-up zenith at a reunion dinner party that resulted in several fiery confrontations.
At this point, I don't think anyone actually likes each other. But contracts were signed so everyone has to come back. And that means EVERYONE: That chick who ditched her husband after their wedding night and ran away. The entrepreneur. The girl with the Legally Blonde accent.
"It's going to be quite awkward," expert Trisha observes as she watches everything play out on video link from the underground garage with the other experts. Trisha, that's quite the understatement you classy dame.
As the evening kicks off, the first few people to filter into the room have a cobwebbed history - some of their storylines overlapping in tales of heartbreak and rumoured willie pics.
Before we know it, Scarlett is taking every opportunity she can to flirt with jilted groom Andrew and it's highly uncomfortable to watch but also just to hear.
This is an accurate summary:
Even though Deb is no longer in a relationship with non-Polynesian John, she still talks to him in the same passive aggressive way a wife would to her husband of thirty years.
"You didn't kiss me," she mumbles, rolling her eyes when John says hi.
"John didn't get me one," she later snips, when someone offers her a drink. "I shouldn't have to ask."
Vanessa is forced to take a seat next to Sean and I'm pretty sure this is the first time they've had to talk to each other ever.
"I went up to my mum's place and fenced ten acres," Sean recalls to her flatly.
When Cheryl enters, her exes Jonathan and Andrew react like mean year 10 boys.
"Urgh we should of planned this! Been like, one side Jonesy, one side me and be like, 'Ay! Wassup gurl?! How's it kickin'?" Jonathan says, and it's truly embarrassing to even hear.
As Jonathan approaches Cheryl, she subtly pretends to not see him right in front of her.
When Scarlett points out to Andrew that his ex has entered the room, he takes the high road.
And just to kick things into overdrive, Lauren - the runaway bride who left Andrew jilted on their wedding night - makes a surprise appearance and enters the room with the same breezy confidence Cameron Diaz might have while walking onto the set of The Ellen DeGeneres Show.
Cheryl and Lauren become best friends and team up with so much solidarity they basically change their names to Thelma and Louise and run a Ford Thunderbird off a cliff.
But when Nadia walks in alone, they hit the skids to check out the drama.
We're all confused. Why is Nadia alone? Anthony doesn't let her venture outside of a five metre radius without him.
The girls huddle around and she promptly reveals all.
"He dropped me like a hotcake" she says, and I immediately picture the McDonald's hotcakes.
Moving into the dining room, the alcohol continues to flow and Sharon reaches that point in the night where she feels so sorry for Nadia she just starts repeatedly telling her how beautiful she is.
Anthony hasn't appeared tonight. I guess producers wanted to respect Nadia's feelings and not put her through any more torment. Or, they just wanted to have her think that and then wheel him in as a punishing surprise midway through the evening.
For Nadia, it's a kick in the tit.
After an uncomfortable amount of time passes, Anthony decides to take a seat next to Nadia and offer a very stilted apology. He talks to her like she's a child he's never met before.
Nadia's natural reaction is to not reply and instead pretend she's getting food out of her teeth for the whole ten minute apology.
Nadia refuses to give Anthony a reaction and instead waits until she's off camera to yell at us as if we're the ones who threw hotcakes at her or whatever.
"I KEEP MY COOL! I'M CHILL! BUT SERIOUSLY?!" she says, seeming absolutely not chill.
She then later makes the declaration that Anthony is "such a f*cking douche". And that's not me taking creative license. There's even subtitles just to make it clear.
Deciding there's no time like the present than to corner the woman who engaged in a texting scandal with the man you blindly married, Cheryl confronts Scarlett.
It's a passive aggressive back and forth about something that happened months ago and has already been dealt with. I don't really recall what they say. I spend the entire conversation Googling where to find the chic statement cushions on the couch they're sitting on.
"You're the fakest girl I've ever met!" Scarlett yells at Cheryl, just as I think I've found the cushions on the Coco Republic website.
Scarlett's comments leave Cheryl feeling bruised and she's quick to correct the damaging and slanderous claims.
"The only thing fake about me is my boobs and maybe some of my lips," she defends.
Scarlett then storms back into the dining room, does a quick Cheryl impersonation for the group, then storms off forever, scurrying down the driveway.
While all this is going down, Lauren decides she wants a piece of the action and pulls up a chair next to the groom she ditched on her wedding night.
"You try to be the joker but guess what? Your joker cards are all f*ckin gone," she taunts and I'm not even sure what this means.
We then cut to a real big close-up of Lauren's face and she's loving every second of it.
She then calls him a "cocky little prick" and starts using car metaphors which makes sense because, if you recall, she works in the car industry.
The night ends with everyone raising their glasses and clinking them - even though no one actually likes each other now and they should definitely not be drinking anymore.
For more observations on hotcakes and Cameron Diaz's breezy attitude, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir.