Green the new black for smokes
NEW laws will require cigarette packets to be green after all other attempts to stop people smoking failed.
Health Minister Nicola Rocks-on said olive green was the latest top secret, full-proof, we-really-nailed-it-this-time weapon in the war against tobacco.
"People kept smoking when we said it would kill them, destroy their lives, make them ugly and give them horrible diseases," she said. "But we are fairly sure olive green boxes will end the habit once and for all."
Ms Rocks-on said expensive government research showed olive green, as seen on green frogs, rainforests and zombies, was a repulsive colour generally associated with poor fashion choices from the 1970s.
The new legislation will also remove logos from packages and legislate that packets contain pictures of large, ugly eyes. "Nobody likes a large, ugly eye," she said.
This packaging move followed further expensive research showing people did not actually like smoking; they just bought cigarettes for the attractive packaging and didn't want to waste the smokes inside.
As part of the associated education campaign, all new-born babies will be bombarded with subliminal messages telling them to avoid smoking, stick to the speed limit, install smoke alarms and swim between the flags.
"We figure if we educate babies it will save doctors, police, fireman and lifeguards repeating these messages over and over and over and over unfailingly, every single time they are interviewed by a television station," Ms Rocks-on said.
Greens Leader Bob Frown said he was insulted that green was seen as a repulsive colour. "It has never been easy being green," he said.
He said he would be seeking the assistance of Kermit the Frog, the Incredible Hulk and the green female alien from Lost in Space to avoid the green taint spreading to other areas of society.
"This could very easily descend into full-scale colour discrimination," he said. "It starts with olive green packaging and before you know it gangs of angry mobs are torching forests and dismembering safari suits."
Ordinary smoker, Ted, said the green packaging and ugly eye would make him seriously reconsider his smoking habit. "I was willing to risk cancer, lung disease and death, and I'm already fairly ugly, but this whole olive green thing has got me thinking," he said. "It is a particularly repugnant and I don't like that eye looking at me. It just freaks me out."
Civil rights groups said the move would create a new black market in attractive cigarette boxes in glorious pascal shades and smart, vibrant hues.
Thirsty Cow is fiction. Not that there's anything wrong with that.