Why breastfeeding mums have got it bad
UYS, I'm not having a crack but some of you are making big boobs of yourselves.
This weekend, women around the world bared all for the Big Latch On - nursing their bubs in public in celebration of World Breastfeeding Week, which ends today.
While the mothers hoped to show any squeamish folks that feeding a child in public can be a perfectly lovely and natural thing to do, even in the middle of New York City's Times Square, not everyone was swallowing the "breast is best" message.
The New York Post reported that one male passer-by huffed, "Free porn? There's a time and a place".
Which is funny because, traditionally, Times Square was THE place for porn - free or not.
I'll admit that seeing a woman nursing her child in public can still take me by surprise, but only because we still see so little of it (feeding, not breasts . on the Gold Coast anyway).
I'd far rather my kids see a milky boob than someone smoking … now that is truly disgusting.
I just don't see why we have to bust all the breasts. Not only are they doing a job, but they look damn good doing it too.
I think we have our priorities arse about. Instead of crying about a mother's treasured chest, why aren't we worried about the butt cleavage that men insist on flaunting in our faces - intentionally or not?
By all means let's free the nipple … but cover up the crack.
Unlike breastfeeding, men's cracks are a dime a dozen. And many's the time I've been tempted to poke a 20c piece down that slot - possibly they could use that donation to buy pants that fit or, at the very least, a belt.
From young to old, I've seen every crack you can imagine, although most you would not want to.
Women who breastfeed in public are told to have some respect for themselves, their children, their husband and probably the poor starving children in Africa as well. I don't quite understand why, but it certainly seems that boobs are to blame for all of the world's troubles.
Yet nobody ever has a crack at the, well, cracks.
Why don't these men have respect for themselves? For their children? For their wives? And, above all, for me?
The crack isn't even doing anything useful, it's just an attention-seeker literally shooting the breeze.
I never hear men debating the pros and cons of the exposed crack, either. It's their personal choice - or personal oblivion - whether or not they let it all hang out, whereas breastfeeding is now a political issue.
Even the biggest boob of all, President Trump, is busting in on the action.
Just last month, his administration bullied other governments in an attempt to prevent the passage of an international resolution promoting breastfeeding. Rather than putting infant health first, it was a case of #freetheformula economic policy.
While the World Health Organisation resolution passed regardless, it's further indication that, for many, the function of breasts is unnatural.
The storm in the D-cup has escalated to the point where mums are either shamed for bearing their boob bottles in public, or made to feel guilty for not going "au natural". It's a mammalian minefield.
Indeed, new research shows that three in four Australian mums say they have been judged over their decision on whether or not to breastfeed and are suffering feelings of loneliness and frustration as a result.
Maternal experts are worried about a surge in postnatal depression and anxiety with the rise in social media adding to the woes for new parents.
The truth is that while breasts were made for milk, going natural is not always nice and easy.
I breastfed both of my kids for a year each but that's only because I could not get the buggers to take a bottle. For two years in total, I was their milk slave, chained to their demands - and their mouths. Anything other than me resulted in a complete dummy spit.
The first weeks of feeding were agony as I suffered from an oversupply. My husband dubbed himself the "boob whisperer" and had to massage my rock-hard appendages to aid the let-down.
And talk about a let-down … he says it was the most unerotic thing he's ever experienced.
Because, like most people, he is able to differentiate the dual purpose of an object. Not for one second did he think I was trying to seduce him by feeding his children.
Maybe the man is just a genius, but given his penchant for fart jokes, I doubt it - although he does manage to keep his butt cleavage under cover.
As for those judging a mother's right to choose how, where and when she feeds, that's the real let-down. Can't we open our hearts and minds - just a crack - to find our milk of human kindness?