WHILE one bachelorette thought she'd just had the perfect date with Matty J, the night took a sharp turn and she was left shattered by a breakup that hit without warning.

Cobie prides herself on rehearsing all of her facial expressions in the morning before leaving the house, so she's prepared to react in any situation. She nails ecstatic. She's a pro at being surprised. But when Cobie reveals to Matty she feels like she's "dating" him, nothing can prepare her for his reaction.

Cobie's exit is then followed up by another shock eviction but there's no time for sympathy because home town visits are tomorrow and we can only afford to go to four girls' cities.

For Wednesday's group date, Osher has made up another confusing game with very unclear rules and challenges.
The winner gets an exclusive and intimate performance by James Blunt.

I'm not sure if this is an incentive to win or lose.

Extra! Perfect for when you’ve only eaten cheese for nine weeks.
Extra! Perfect for when you’ve only eaten cheese for nine weeks.

The first task involves a series of questions about the ladies' personalities in the house and they all have to rank themselves on podiums. For example, with the question, "Who is the funniest in the house?", the girl who thinks she's a bit of an Amy Schumer will step on podium six and the loser who is the least funny should step on podium one.

And on a scale of one to two, I bet you can guess where my interest in this game sits.

If you think watching this game on TV is boring, try writing those rules out word-for-word like I just did while fighting the desire to pour water on your keyboard so you can go home.

For the second challenge, all the girls have to try and select the same deal-breakers as Matty. Matty's deal-breakers are a disinterest in kids, lying, stubbornness and bad manners. I consider all of these characteristics some of my best qualities and this game is just getting offensive.

It comes down to Elise and Elora and they go head-to-head in the final challenge.

 

Matty’s totally jazzed for the fire and desire.
Matty’s totally jazzed for the fire and desire.

It involves them basically writing down a few nice sentences about what they're looking for in a partner and reading them to Matty.

But before Elise reads her declaration out, she is in desperate need of gum.

Elise says a bunch of relatable and down-to-earth stuff about what she wants in a guy. But for some reason, Elora thinks because this game is taking place in a castle, she has to talk like it's the middle ages.

She insists on calling her little speech her "vows". And they're f-ing intense.

"I want fire. DESIRE. Admiration and ... passion," she says, varying her pitch and tone for dramatic effect. "We will be ruled by love!" she declares loudly to Matty for all the peasants in all the land to hear. "We will be invincible!"

She goes on to say a heap of other weird mystical things and her whole speech sounds like something that should be said while wearing tights and a crown.

 

‘I said we’re not going down the lolly aisle.’
‘I said we’re not going down the lolly aisle.’

Naturally, Matty picks the girl who didn't rhyme "fire" and "desire" and Elise scores the private date.

"We're on the same page about what we want," Matty says of Elise while visibly cringing at the memory of Elora saying "we will be ruled by love" on television.

On their date, a lone piano sits just metres away from where Matty and Elise are sipping wine.

UK pop sensation and overly-sensitive human James Blunt enters.

"James, you well?" Matty asks him, as if they went to school together.

After listening to Elora read out her tome of lust to Matty just minutes earlier, the opening verse of James' song is just too much for all of us.

"Staring at you naked ..." he coos softly.

As the song eventually wraps and Matty and Elise kiss and stare at each other, James goes and makes the whole situation weirder.

"Go on then," he whispers into the mic in his Baby Spice accent as Matty and Elise kiss.

‘I’ll find you.’
‘I’ll find you.’

It's enough to make me temporarily stop eating my Pizza Shapes. But I promptly pick the box up again when we cut sharply to Cobie's private date.

Honestly Cobie needs to stop acting like a three-year-old. On their date in the middle of nowhere, Matty walks around holding her hand and he looks like an irritated mum with an annoying child at Aldi.

Matty basically has to babysit Cobie for three hours so he takes her to some playground just to tire her out.

Somewhere between playing tiggy and racing her from the flying fox to the monkey bars, Matty comes to a firm conclusion about Cobie. He's not into it and doesn't reckon it'll develop into more.

Cobie feels differently.

"I feel like we're dating and I don't feel like there's anyone else here," she gushes to him while sipping from a juice box.

'Fek.'

'Fek.'

Matty takes a moment to decide how to deal with this mess.

Sheer pain.
Sheer pain.

He decides to take the slow, soft and longwinded approach. He tells Cobie she's great and fun
and sweet and cute and loveable and adorable and considerate and lovely and genuine.

He just keeps listing positive adjectives for seven minutes and it becomes clear we're gearing up for a break-up.

"I guess what the most frustrating thing is, at times it's all the perfect ingredients to fall in love with somebody and it just doesn't happen," he says, inching closer to the punch.

"For me it hasn't happened. That spark's not there."

This dumping comes without warning to Cobie.

Her mouth says "I understand" but her eyes say "this isn't over".

What comes next is a series of emotions we've never seen Cobie express before. Usually she relishes the opportunity to beam the ecstatic faces she's spent hours rehearsing in the mirror. But tonight, she's too emotionally drained to remember any of the expressions she practised before this date.

What we see next is true raw and unedited emotion.

Elora dramatically clutches her leather choker.
Elora dramatically clutches her leather choker.

Here's a collage of all the never-seen-before unhappy faces Cobie pulls after being dumped that I thoughtfully Photoshopped. They range from sad and distraught to frustrated and confused.

"I'm just sad. I didn't see it coming because I thought we had a great day. I feel heartbroken. I really liked him," Cobie sobs before Matty says "see ya" and walks her to a prearranged Subaru.

At the cocktail party, all the girls sit around wondering where Cobie is. It's been hours.

And then Osher walks in and his early arrival sends the mansion into meltdown. He explains Cobie has been sent home without warning and that the girls can help themselves to her possessions.

Elora hates everyone so she does her best to act shocked.

But she doesn't have to feign being upset for long. Just a few moments later, she's sent home too.

Like Cobie, she doesn't see it coming.

As she walks out to the car, Matty runs after her and delivers a speech even worse than her "fire and desire" poem from earlier.

"You're such a free spirit. I almost felt like, if we were gonna end up together it would be like I was clipping your wings," he says straight-faced.

Now it just becomes a battle of who can make us cringe more.

"I'll survive," she replies.

As she pulls on her performance tights and ignites her fire twirling torches, Elora looks into the camera and confides, "I think he could've been the one," before doing a series of acrobatic tumbles out of the mansion grounds, leaving a trail of flames.

News Corp Australia


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