HERE we are folks, Bachelor In Paradise. It's the Hunger Games of the Bachelor franchise - except with a much higher likelihood of those playing developing an STI.

Host Osher Gunsberg leaps out from behind a shrub, grinning maniacally as he welcomes us to paradise (read: a three-star Fiji resort boasting a succession of middling Tripadvisor reviews).

First to arrive is Tara, who confesses she's "hoping to find some fresh meat" during her time on the show.

"Are you open to the possibility of falling in love?" Osher asks her.

NO YOU FOOL SHE JUST TOLD YOU SHE'S TRAWLING FOR MAN MEAT, LET HER LIVE.

Tara's approaching this as one would a Schoolies Contiki and I respect that.
Tara's approaching this as one would a Schoolies Contiki and I respect that.

Once inside the resort, Tara heads straight for the bar - and introduces herself to barman Wise, who is immediately our favourite person on this show. He greets her with a big ol' Wendy Williams "How you doin'?"

Obviously he’s called 'Wise' because he's not a contestant
Obviously he’s called 'Wise' because he's not a contestant

Next is Michael Turnbull, who is looking more and more like a long lost Gibb brother with each passing day.

Stayin’ Alive.
Stayin’ Alive.

Then two more join them: Luke, from Sophie's season, and Lisa, the 'bullet dodger' who came third during the whole Blake Garvey s**tshow.

Luke immediately takes a liking to Lisa: "She's obviously gorgeous … she's attractive … I'm excited to get to know her more," he says, struggling to be heard over the steady thrum of his own boner.

Next is Leah, who suffered a public slut shaming by the rather dull Matty J during her season and hopes this batch of guys will be "a lot more entertaining." We can't guarantee the quality on offer Leah, but at least you've got quantity here.

Then comes Davey Lloyd, who promises that he's "grown and found himself" since his appearance on Sam Frost's season of The Bachelorette. What he means by this, dear reader, is that he's moved out of his parents' house.

Brett, an also-ran from Sophie's season, arrives next, and one of his new castmates really sums up the response as he strides towards them: "Who is it?"

At least Tara's happy to see Brett - for one surprising reason:

BOMBSHELL
BOMBSHELL

So Brett has a girlfriend? Why is he here?

In a chat with the producers, Brett gets awful testy when the topic is brought up. "That was the premise to get here, that you had to be single," he snaps when asked if he's in a relationship. "Let's just leave it at that." That's not exactly a denial, is it?

With quite a few male contestants now milling about, we're a bit confused about the dresscode. Why does everyone look like they're recreating the Backstreet Boys' I Want It That Way video?

So much crisp white linen, its like a Maggie Tabberer lookalike convention
So much crisp white linen, its like a Maggie Tabberer lookalike convention

Davey's the first to get down to business, whisking Leah off for a one on one chat to ask her if she'd consider a date with him.

"Maybe … until someone better walks in," she says.

Joke's on her, because moments later, Dutch bombshell Florence (sans Machine) enters, and all the men do that Looney Tunes eyes-popping-out-on-stalks thing.

Clearly not a time-waster, Davey immediately asks her for some private time, and Leah's just fine with this shocking new development thanks for asking:

Totally OK, not even constructing a Florence voodoo doll as we speak
Totally OK, not even constructing a Florence voodoo doll as we speak

Off by themselves, Florence tells Davey that as soon as she finds out what bungalow she's staying in at the resort, she'll let him know, WINK NUDGE. Davey's careful not to let his excitement show:

'JACKPOT'
'JACKPOT'

"She's to the point, with no BS," he marvels of Florence (translation: DTF).

Another of Sophie Monk's rejects, bad boy Blake arrives dressed in an image-softening watermelon romper-esque outfit, but the women all view him with suspicion - they've obviously read the headlines about him since his season.

Oh hello what's she come as then
Oh hello what's she come as then

Georgia Love reject Jake is next, and Florence soon lets slip that the two of them have actually already hooked up.

"It just happened! People talk on Instagram and then you get smashed and things happen," she shrugs.

This is deeply unfair, when I combine Instagram and alcohol the only thing I get is blocked by Ricky Martin.

Jake's keen to rekindle their romance - but Florence has her eyes on Davey Lloyd, despite his patently ridiculous name.

Is it tho?
Is it tho?

Later in the evening, Osher sets out the rules of engagement: 'Date cards' will determine who gets to go on outings together, with new contestants entering the resort at any time. The first rose ceremony will see the women calling the shots, booting out at least one of the men.

"Pair up or pack up," Osher instructs them, sounding like some pushy aunt at a family BBQ demanding to know why you're still single.

Within seconds, Davey is begging the nearest female to date him.

The way to a woman's heart: Doleful nagging.
The way to a woman's heart: Doleful nagging.

There's no need, because he's got the first date card - and chooses Leah. Despite just having begged Flo for a date.

"What's [his]deal? He was begging for a rose 10 seconds before. Date card arrives and it's Leah," Flo fumes. "I was really looking forward to seeing Davey here, but now why would I waste my time and my precious rose on someone like you."

While the two go off on their date, Tara warns some of her fellow contestants about Jake, who is apparently a bit of a player.

"[He's] a waste of space. I live on the Gold Coast, and so many people have Jake Ellis stories," she tells the other women.

Florence decides that's definitely a deal-breaker on this, a show dedicated to casual sex.

"It's not illegal to be a man whore, but would I stick around? No," she says.

We leave the man whore shaming to check in with Davey and Leah on their date - by the looks of it, they seem to be having a great time:

A busy date: First course, second course, intercourse
A busy date: First course, second course, intercourse

But looks can be deceiving. "I wasn't feeling it … it was kind of a half-arsed kiss." Leah, we shudder to think what it would look like were you to use your whole arse.

Back at the resort, Florence takes Jake aside to let him know that his Gold Coast reputation precedes him. Poor guy starts sweating like a man whore in church, demanding to know who's been spreading this malicious gossip while mentally going through his rolodex of all women north of Coolangatta.

Rumour has it a night with Jake is now included with purchase of a Three Park Superpass
Rumour has it a night with Jake is now included with purchase of a Three Park Superpass

"I'm not gonna sit here and take this s**t," he spits, before storming off and declaring the entire situation a "f**ing stitch up."

Florence is really not here for any of the mens' bulls**t, she’s already our fave
Florence is really not here for any of the mens' bulls**t, she’s already our fave

Next day, and there's an intruder strutting her way into the resort. It's Keira Maguire, and she's got a list of demands for any potential suitors: "I want a gentleman, someone who looks after a girl … they can't have a saggy butt and they've got to have big hands."

Keira's back! Sagged-butted small-handed men need not apply (sorry, Trump)
Keira's back! Sagged-butted small-handed men need not apply (sorry, Trump)

She's just arrived, but Keira's ready to give snap judgments on a few of her castmates: Davey's out of the question because he's too short, and as for Michael Turnbull? "Can't deal. The teeth. The veneers, it's too much."

Should a natural disaster hit Fiji, Michael’s teeth can be used to alert passing rescue craft
Should a natural disaster hit Fiji, Michael’s teeth can be used to alert passing rescue craft

The next date card is revealed, and it's for … Jake. He chooses Flo - right after she's told Davey that she's not interested in either of them.

"You're both dickheads ... I'd rather hang out by myself," she says. After making it through episode one of Bachelor in Paradise I know the feeling, Flo.

Tomorrow night: Brett's suspect relationship status gets tongues wagging, Jake cops a backlash for choosing "dates over mates", and the first rose ceremony sends someone packin'.

Bachelor in Paradise continues 7:30pm tomorrow on Ten. Check back right after the show airs for our full recap.



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