AS WE rejoin our Bachelor In Paradise hopefuls this episode, newbie Megan Marx enters the resort for the first time - escorted by Jake, with whom she's just been on a hot and heavy date.

Megan does the rounds, air kissing her fellow Bach also-rans - while her rival for Jake's affections, Florence, glares at her without getting up from the couch.

A warm welcome from Florence there.
A warm welcome from Florence there.

"I don't know much about Megan... I thought she was a lesbian," Florence sniffs.

Jake takes Florence aside and insists his date with Megan was just a friendly catch-up, and that they definitely didn't kiss. His bald-faced lies are somewhat scuppered by the big make-up/fake-tan schmear Megan left all over his white linen shirt during their pash sesh.

His smooth talking has worked on Florence, though: "I've decided to give him the benefit of the doubt … I'm gonna trust him," she declares.

Last episode recap: Megan here to 'hook up with boys and girls'

The next morning, Nina settles in next to Florence to relay some gossip: Megan's told her that she and Jake kissed on their date.

Florence's response comes complete with Network Ten pixelation:

And I quote: ‘What a f**kwit.’
And I quote: ‘What a f**kwit.’

JARROD'S FIRST DATE

Jarrod has a date card, and a choice to make: either Keira or Ali. He chooses Ali, and as the pair wave goodbye for the day, just about every guy at the resort is throwing daggers at Jarrod.

The pair arrive at a clearing in the forest, and are met with a troupe of traditional Fijian dancers. They sit and enjoy the performance - until they're pulled up to dance with the troupe, their white gangly limbs flailing.

‘This is so fun, can we do the Macarena next?’
‘This is so fun, can we do the Macarena next?’

Somehow, uncoordinated white boy dancing isn't the most embarrassing thing Jarrod will do on this date.

As they settle in for a picnic, he tells Ali that he "used to suck my thumb until I was about 10".

"I had a blankie and I'd suck my thumb," he says.

It seems he's found his perfect match, because instead of backing away slowly Miss Vanjie style, her eyes light up: "OMG me too!"

CYCLONE FLORENCE

In a loved-up montage, we see the show's happier couples frolicking along the sea and sand in pairs. Then, Florence, stomping through the resort and announcing to nobody in particular: "SINGLE AF."

She's fuming that Jake lied to her about kissing Megan, branding him a "sociopath".

Jake doesn't really care - he's over by the water with Megan, laying it on thick

"You looked amazing when you walked in … I love your bikini."

Blerg.

Quite the smitten kitten.
Quite the smitten kitten.

Florence decides to steamroller this blossoming little couple - first, she corners Megan to fill her in on her own history with Jake, declaring she's been "emotionally abused" by him.

Next she's in Jake's cabin, and while the cameras don't follow her (come on guys, you had one job) we hear her shouting that he's "so f**king narcissistic" before the sound of a glass breaking.

Outside, she explains what happened.

"I tried to talk it out with Jake, but I have a bit of a temper and when I get angry I throw things at people. This time it was champagne," she says, with a smile and a shrug that suggests she has a long career in reality TV ahead of her.

No sooner has Florence humblebragged about dousing Jake in champagne than Osher Gunsberg enters the resort to announce that there will be a rose ceremony tonight, with one woman leaving.

Suddenly, Florence looks a little less confident, perhaps remembering that potential romantic partners don't generally like being glassed. Could this be the outburst that sends her home?

"I've made a huge mistake"

ROSE CEREMONY

As her exit looks increasingly likely, Florence dolls herself up for the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party and takes Jake aside to apologise for her prior outburst - well, kind of.

Jake: "You know, I don't want us to be yelling at each other."

Florence: "And I don't want to waste champagne."

Moving stuff, Flo.

As the rose ceremony looms, the mood terms sombre.

"I don't want anyone to go," sighs Tara. "Like, it's so sad. It's really, really sad."

Tara, they just leave the resort and go home, they're not shot out of a cannon into the sun.

Ali saunters into the cocktail party dressed like Elsa from Frozen - tinkly princess music plays over her arrival to really ram the point home - and Jarrod immediately bails on the conversation he's in to race to her side and shower her with compliments. They are truly the Milhouse and Lisa of Bachelor In Paradise.

‘HELLOMYDEARYOUARELOOKINGLOVELYTONIGHT’
‘HELLOMYDEARYOUARELOOKINGLOVELYTONIGHT’

Jarrod's got competition, though - next come Michael and Mack, one after the other, asking her for private chats to formally declare their interest. It's ... a lot, and Ali responds to all three of her suitors with a general air of polite indifference. Umm, Megan, maybe you should have a crack? Can't hurt babes.

Mack's little face lighting up when someone gives him the tiniest sliver of attention is slightly heartbreaking.
Mack's little face lighting up when someone gives him the tiniest sliver of attention is slightly heartbreaking.

Having made his intentions clear with Ali, Jarrod then takes Keira aside to tell her she won't be receiving his rose tonight. Like all the most painful breakup chats, he hides the bitter pill in a torrent of compliments: "You're beautiful! You're funny! You're wonderful! I'm not fussed whether you live or die!" (OK, I'm paraphrasing).

She stares at him forlornly as he waffles on:

That point during the ‘It’s not you it’s me speech’ when you want to teleport out of your own miserable skin.
That point during the ‘It’s not you it’s me speech’ when you want to teleport out of your own miserable skin.

After the chat, Jarrod takes up position on a two-person swing with Ali, beaming at her like a puppy. Keira, on the other hand, is in tears.

"Why don't I get a guy? I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I just want somebody to love me for me. I'm struggling a lot more than I thought I would," she confesses.

"I don't want anyone to see me cry," she continues, angling her face into the light so the camera can better capture her tears.

She’s sprung a leak.
She’s sprung a leak.

Finally, it's time for the rose ceremony. Mack goes first, and without hesitation gives his rose to Ali … right after a voiceover from Leah insisting that he was definitely going to pick her. "What's wrong with me? What is so good about her? Is it that she reeks desperation?" is Leah's savage response to this snub.

Leah could definitely cut a b**ch. Specifically, the one behind her.
Leah could definitely cut a b**ch. Specifically, the one behind her.

Jarrod's next, and he's already "bloody peed off" at Mack for cutting his grass and picking Ali. He opts for second choice Keira, which is a rather humiliating outcome for her after their earlier chat. She accepts the rose, scoffing that "I'll take what I can get at this stage."

Eden picks Nina - these two seem very loved up but four episodes in we haven't seen much of them, so we're going to assume they're spending most of their time going at it hammer and tong in one of their rooms. Ditto Luke and Lisa.

Blake's next - and after their romantic date the other day, it's clear he's picking Laurina. He knows it, she knows it, everybody knows it.

He stands before the women, rose in hand, and looks at Laurina. He opens his mouth.

"Lenora."

There's a stunned silence that lasts for several seconds. Finally, Keira cuts the tension: "…Laurina?"

"Oh, f**king hell," Blake winces.

Look at Tara loving it in the background trollololol
Look at Tara loving it in the background trollololol

Yep, it appears he doesn't even know her name. Lenora - sorry, Laurina - begrudgingly accepts his rose but says this spectacular flub means they're "done."

Sam's next, and he picks his new bestie Tara.

By this point, Jake's sweating, murmuring to Michael next to him and begging him to pick Florence - but Michael chooses Leah.

Finally, it's Jake's turn: Will he pick new girl Megan, still warm from the glow of their first date? Or Florence - the woman who saved his hide at the last ceremony, but today threw a glass of champagne at him?

He chooses Megan, booting Florence off the show.

Ugh that pitying look from Megan, this show is truly brutal
Ugh that pitying look from Megan, this show is truly brutal

"I think Jake has no soul," a tearful Florence declares after her exit. "I gave him another chance … shame on me for doing that. I've never met anyone as fake and cold hearted as him."

Let's hope they frisked her for glassware on the way out.

 

Next time: Tara and Sam's friendship moves up a notch, and two male American Bachelor in Paradise veterans enter the resort, leading to territorial behaviour from the Aussie blokes.

 

Bachelor In Paradise continues 7:30pm Sunday on Ten.



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